If you have ADHD and are afraid this article won't be able to hold your attention all the way through, I'll sum it up for you right now: Bible Adventures is not good. Not because of it's subject matter, but more because it's just a very sucky game. Whether you're a Christian or just a hardcore gamer, this game will find some way to insult you (whether it be through its borderline blasphomy or total lack of responsive gameplay).

As you can see from the title screen shot, Bible Adventures consists of three games, non of which are much more fun than taking a bath with a toaster. I'll cover these games in the order they're presented on the select screen, as to not confuse my dumber readers.

We'll start off with Noah's Ark. Everybody knows the story: God warned Noah about a flood, Noah built a huge boat and loaded it with two of every animal. The boat then hit an iceberg, and in the end Kate Winslet lives to be an old woman while Leonardo Dicaprio's frozen little body sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic. In this game, you must round up a male and female of each species and load them onto Noah's ark. The Bible obviously left out some important information on Noah, like for instance his superhuman strength...

...and his ability to climb a tree with bear-like skill.

Here, you must lure Speed Racer's pet monkey Chim-Chim to the ark with a banana. These must be the only woods in the world where you can encounter monkeys and horses within three yards of each other.

Some of the animals are a bit difficult to catch. For instance, to catch the pig, you must first knock him out by throwing an object at him. I swear that I am not making this up. Noah has to KNOCK THE PIG OUT, as in KO, round over, time to check for concussions. This is how groups like PETA get started.

Your inventory sheet. Appearently, there were only six species on Earth before the Great Flood.

On to the next game, Baby Moses. Your goal is to save baby Moses from angry Egyptians, spiders, and birds (just like in the Bible...). I'm going to be really picky for a second and point out that, to my knowledge, Egypt doesn't have palm tress. Anyway, you pick Moses up with the B button, and will throw him if the B button is pressed again or if an enemy comes in contact with you. This creates an interesting situation...

Here we have the Nile River. Remember what I said about throwing Moses with the B button?

Yes, that's right, you can throw Moses into the Nile. You can DROWN BABY MOSES. Grand Theft Auto may allow you to murder a prostitute, but you never kill a baby in GTA. Let alone a baby that's supposed to grow up and save an entire race of people from slavery.

If you think that killing Moses is going to get you off the hook with the enemies in this game, think again. For some reason, these Egyptians really want you dead, and will stop at nothing to kill you (even if it means holding dull looking spears and throwing weird little chipped rectangles at you).

Finish the level without Moses and you'll see this screen. This is a wonderful message to send to kids: If you kill a baby, we'll still shower you with praise. Either that, or we'll send you to a special "camp" forever. The kind of camp where they send kids who play with fire.

If you actually finish the level with Moses, you'll continue on to level 2. I'm not a theology expert, but I don't recall where in the Bible Pharoah had Egypt redecorated with a red/pink color scheme. Err... anyway...

Even birds hate you in this game. Check out this screenshot of a dove carrying you away with its powerful, invisible legs.

Alright, enough of Baby Moses, it's time to move onto David and Goliath. This game actually sounded fun: I expected a fight between a tiny shepard and a huge, Andre the Giant-like man. Instead, I get this: A game where you must gather sheep and drop them off at a carol. Oh, but it's not as easy as it looks! Actually, I lied. It's exactly as easy as it looks.

I thought the whole premise of the Davd and Goliath story was how a weak little man defeated a gigantic manbeast several times his size? It sorta kills the moral if you give David the strength, agility, and balance to hold three sheep over his head at once.

In the first level of this game, the squirrels are your worst enemy. Yes, that's right: Squirrels. Turns out we were all wrong to assume that Lucifer takes the form of a snake - the squirrel is his actual animal of choice. Think of all the evil that resides in your backyard...

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